


call the minions (fire up the lab)

by calmena



Series: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-01-11 18:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18429875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmena/pseuds/calmena
Summary: When Reed Richards turns down Tony's help in a fight against Dr. Doom, Tony knows what the next step has to be: he needs his own personal supervillain. And who else should respond to his request but the Winter Soldier, who cannot watch a dumbass risk his life without trying to interfere?Tony Stark Bingo 2019: T1 - Crack, A3 - FreeBucky Barnes Bingo 2019: B1 - Protectiveness, Y3 - Terrible Choices, C5 - Image: Baseball hat!Bucky





	1. In which Tony makes questionable decisions and the Soldier can't deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came to be because "Now Hiring" by Dr. Awkward exists, but the actual title is from "Villain Song" by Kirby Krackle. Big thanks to [BoovPerson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoovPerson/pseuds/BoovPerson) and [yuuki_illene](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuuki_Illene/pseuds/yuuki_Illene) for beta-reading this for me!
> 
> CW for this chapter: mention of alcohol

"It's just unfair," Tony whined, rolling his head back until he could look at Rhodey upside down, ignoring the strain the movement put on his neck.

Rhodey was judging him. He could tell by the crinkle between his eyebrows.

"I wanted to help, but no," Tony drew the last word out, turning his tone into the annoying, nasal voice he'd been subjected to by Reed Richards. "He had to be all, _'We don't need help, Stark, Dr. Doom is our responsibility.'_ Who even refuses help when saving the city? It's not like this is a competition! Just wait until I get my own personal supervillain and tell the Fantastic Four to take a hike. Take that, Richards!"

"I'm not sure it works like that," Rhodey said evenly, his first beer still more than half-full in his hand.

He lacked creativity, Tony decided. Or possibly more beer. When he said so, Rhodey's judgy crinkle became more judgemental. 

"It's not exactly something you could just put on Craigslist, is it?" He said drily, shaking his head with a sigh when Tony immediately perked up, almost knocking over his own bottle of beer in the process.

"But why not?" He immediately asked, grinning widely as he mentally already put together the post he could put online. Would it be better to mention that he was Iron Man or would that just end up scaring prospective enemies off? Tony turned his attention back on Rhodey - it had slipped only for a second as he'd started preparing the advertisement - only to find himself still being the focus of judgemental eyebrows.

For a second or two, Rhodey just stared at him, as if he was trying to figure out if he was being serious. (Ha, the joke was on him, Tony was _absolutely_ serious.)

Finally, a shake of his head. 

"You should sleep," Rhodey said flatly, taking the bottle away before Tony could react and carrying it towards the kitchen, together with his own. 

Tony let out an indignant shout, but couldn't actually bring himself to get up from the fluffy carpet. Pepper had chosen well, he decided, absently petting the soft material.

He almost sent his phone sliding off under the couch when one of his arm gestures ended up a little more enthusiastic than he'd intended it to be. 

Well, and since he already had it close to hand--

Rhodey was puttering around in the kitchen, probably putting together a midnight snack for himself, and Tony grinned slowly, already tapping away on the screen.

He'd show him, too.

 

* * *

 

The Soldier was sitting in front of a PC and scowling. The website was crude and ugly, but it was good enough for the purpose. His constant pickpocketing of wallets seemed to have become predictable, since the police presence kept increasing around his usual haunts. He should have known better, but this body needed a lot of sustenance, and while stealing sandwiches and energy bars was easy enough, they hardly made a dent in the hole that filled his stomach, no doubt his increased metabolism at work.

He cursed HYDRA for that, too.

So he was running out of money, and he wanted to avoid drawing a lot of attention. When he'd started searching the internet for jobs, he'd stayed away from the more professional looking ones, and it had led him to this.

Craigslist, apparently.

The first few jobs were dodgy enough that he couldn't do anything but squint at the screen, hoping that nobody was desperate enough to respond to a job offer that may well end up getting them killed. The next few didn't sound a lot better, either.

He was close to shaking his head and giving up -- he wasn't about to answer something that was more likely than not to have him draw attention to himself when he ended up having to punch the person taking out the ad -- when a title caught his eye.

Whereas most of the jobs so far had sounded like he'd be the one that might get killed because of it, this one was firmly in the "this person must have no self-preservation instincts to speak of" category.

_ LOOKING FOR A SUPERVILLAIN _

The future was full of dumbasses. 

And because he had grown up with a dumbass and could not simply stand by as someone did something stupid without trying to save them from themselves, he had to go and reply, slowly pecking away at the keyboard.

_ I'll be your supervillain if you take down the ad. _

 

* * *

 

Tony's head hurt, the sun was blinding even through his eyelids, and he was pretty sure he'd done something stupid while he'd been drunk. He couldn't exactly remember what, but JARVIS had left the blinds open in an act of rebellion. From experience, Tony could say that he tended to only do that when Tony had managed to irritate him somehow.

Now he only had to find out what he'd done this time. Any moment now. Maybe when the sun stopped being so utterly bright.

He was close to falling back asleep, sun in his eyes be damned, when JARVIS startled him back awake in a move that Tony was pretty sure was pure spite.

Under normal circumstances, he would have been proud. Right then, Tony wished he had something to throw. And something he could throw said hypothetical thing _at_ , because JARVIS was everywhere and that just wouldn't work.

_ "Good morning, Sir." _

The words were way louder than they had to be, and Tony thought about putting his pillow over his head and simply ignoring JARVIS. But then, even that wouldn't work if JARVIS was determined to make him miserable. JARVIS' sound levels weren't constrained the way commercial systems were.

Tony possibly regretted that decision right then. It meant there was no escape for him.

_ "You have three answers to your advertisement. Do you wish for me to sort them according to their legitimacy and read them to you?" _

Tony frowned, puzzled, "Advertisement?"

JARVIS _sniffed_. Ah. That must be how Tony'd managed to annoy him, then. The puzzle was about to be solved.

_ "While inebriated, you chose to take out an advertisement to look for a worthy adversary," _ JARVIS explained primly.  _ "Three people have responded to it so far." _

Tony blinked, thoroughly dumbfounded for a moment. Then, he slowly started to grin.

"I'm a genius, J," he said cheerfully, "Sure, read them to me."

The first response was disappointing. It was obvious that the person who'd responded thought this was a sex thing.

Tony pulled a face. As if he needed to put an ad online to find someone to have sex with.

"Yeah, no. Next one, please, J."

Which was more of the same. Tony huffed. It was almost like nobody was taking his advertisement  _ seriously _ . Given, he could only blurrily remember what he'd actually written, but he was pretty sure he hadn't been vague enough to end up with the offers he'd gotten so far.

"Jarvis, stop. Is the third one the same thing again? Because this  _ hurts _ me."

What followed was a pause so significant, Tony looked up and squinted at the closest camera, tilting his head just so. Asking but not _asking_.

Without having to be prompted any further, Jarvis spoke slowly.

_ "It's not possible for me to discern if the third offer was made in jest. It does seem legitimate."  _ Jarvis sounded almost disgruntled about it, it was hilarious.  _ "The IP address leads to an internet cafe in Philadelphia. I could not find camera footage showing the person." _

Tony gasped dramatically. "Jarvis, did you check out all of the people who answered my ad?"

_ "Since there were only three, it didn't present too big of a challenge," _ Jarvis answered drily.  _ "Given the reasoning for the advertisement, it seemed only prudent to investigate each of the applicants to the best of my ability." _

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal, JARVIS. Better not get caught."

_ "I will do my utmost to make you proud." _

"You're so sarcastic, one has to wonder where you get that from. And open that last message for me, please. I think I want to actually read that. And possibly answer."

 

* * *

The Soldier sat in a different internet cafe that day. It was becoming harder to find new places to use the internet without having to enter the sightline of security cameras. There was a limited amount of internet cafes and libraries that allowed him to stay anonymous and didn't require him to repeat places.

It looked like he might not have to, since he had gotten a response on Craigslist.

He despaired of the future if this was what he had to look forward to. Idiots who thought real life was like a comic book.

And this current idiot apparently wanted to meet up for coffee. Because he thought that having him as his own, personal supervillain sounded good. And they should obviously meet to talk about that and also decide that the Fantastic Four would never be allowed to help in fights against him.

The Soldier wanted to sigh and close his eyes. He'd been Hydra's deadliest assassin for decades. And now here he was, saving an idiot from himself.

The future really was fucked up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, yes JARVIS did sort the responses from lowest to highest legitimacy, not opposite. He never specified, after all. ;)


	2. In which Tony continues to make questionable decisions and Rhodey despairs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a big thank you to BoovPerson, who beta-read this chapter for me.
> 
> This chapter is a fill for the TSB (A3 - Free) and the BBB (Y3 - Terrible Choices).

"You what." Flat, so flat. Rhodey should really sound more impressed with him. Tony had even made sure that he was talking to someone who might be an actual threat so he wouldn't be wasting his time.

Okay, well, that had been JARVIS, but still.

"I asked them to meet me over coffee?"

There was a deep sigh, and Tony was pretty sure that Rhodey, once again, had the judgemental crinkle between his brows going on and was rubbing at the bit of his nose between his eyes. He might not be able to actually see it, mainly because Rhodey had told him that no, Tony was not supposed to know where he was at the moment and the military wouldn't like it if he did, _accidentally_ , turn on the video call function, but Tony still _knew_.

"Let me get this straight," Rhodey said slowly, voice just a bit crackly over the phone. Wherever he was, he had shitty service. "You messaged back someone who offered to be your personal supervillain after you _put out an ad that I specifically tried to talk you out of_. Someone who might be an actual danger because even JARVIS couldn't get a picture of them. And you decided to ask them out for coffee."

"You make it sound like a date," Tony muttered mulishly, rolling his eyes at the phone. Rhodey might not be able to see it, but if Tony knew that the Crinkle of Disapproval was back, then Rhodey would know that Tony was Not Impressed, capitals included. "It's more of a… business meeting, really."

There was a distinct disbelieving air to the silence that followed this statement. Tony managed to let it sit for about five seconds as he pressed buttons on the coffee machine before couldn't keep quiet anymore.

"It's fine, really," he tried to reassure, watching the coffee make its way into his giant mug. "I already got the okay from them, so it's obviously not as strange as you think it is."

"Everything about this is strange," Rhodey said, with feeling. "You have to be the dumbest genius to ever exist."

"What does that even mean?!"

"It means that you'll get killed and it'll be all down to you being a moron. Give me a few days, I'm coming back and watching your back when you go, because we all know I can't make you stay away, but I'm sure as hell not letting you get killed for being a dumbass."

"Damn right you can't," Tony said smugly, then scrunched up his nose. "But that's a no-go on the few days, canceling on tomorrow just seems like bad taste."

" _Goddamnit_ , Tones, you're gonna get murdered and it's all going to be your own fault."

Tony scoffed, almost losing the phone when he forgot that only his shoulder and the awkward way he was tilting his head were keeping it pressed against his ear, and attempted to shrug.

"Well, at least that'll show fucking Richards that accepting help with a personal supervillain should be the way to go."

Rhodey sighed again.

"Well, that's all good and great, but you'll still be _dead_."

 

* * *

 

New York was a big city. While that made it easy to disappear, it also increased the likelihood that he would run into someone affiliated with HYDRA. He had known this when he'd first responded to the online advertisement, it had been one of the reasons - the main one - why he had originally stayed away from the area, and still, here he was.

The second reason was that something about this city made him uneasy for reasons that had nothing to do with his personal safety. He preferred not to look into it too deeply, would probably have managed to do both that and avoid this place entirely too, if not for this… situation.

Even if he'd never heard back - possibly _especially so_ if he'd never heard back - the knowledge that someone in this city had decided that even writing that post was a good idea would have had him coming here to do _something_. When he got the offer to go for coffee, he'd hit the road only minutes later, before he'd even responded or managed to spend more than a minute on thinking about his immediate reaction of 'go, go now before something bad happens'.

He'd held back on answering until he'd arrived in New York and found a coffee shop that would serve their purpose but didn't have security cameras. When he'd offered it up as a possible meeting spot, a large part of him had expected a negative reply, or none at all, better sense prevailing after all. But even failing that, surely whoever was on the other side wouldn't give someone they expected to play the villain to their hero the advantage of choosing the first meeting place, right?

Wrong. And wasn't that just a kick in the gut.

In response, the Soldier had started scoping out the coffee shop he'd chosen more closely, waiting for someone to come by and do their own due diligence on it before the meeting was going to take place. After two days, he was coming to the conclusion that either whoever it was had managed to fool even him into thinking they were just a normal customer - unlikely - or they simply didn't care.

This was becoming more and more worrying by the second. Who met up with a prospective enemy at a place they had not chosen themselves, or even inspected thoroughly? For that matter, who met up with a prospective enemy _at all_?

The exasperated worry felt oddly familiar, a niggling in the back of his mind that he wanted gone more than he wanted to figure it out. Focusing all of his attention on his observations instead of the half-remembered impressions helped, just enough that he could bear staying where he was instead of choosing to flee not just the city, but the country, too.

He slipped away, quietly and unnoticed, when the coffee shop was dark and the last employee had locked the door after themselves. If the whole thing was some strange, convoluted way of bringing him in, whoever was responsible for it was obviously not prepared enough to hold him, should it come down to it.

Most likely, this was all an ill thought-out joke or a dare some punk had thought would be clever.

The Soldier smirked just the tiniest bit, the expression settling oddly on his face, pulling on muscles in ways he wasn't used to. This would probably give whoever the writer of the ad was a good scare, and he just hoped it'd be a lesson that would stick.

 

* * *

 

_"Sir, I am really not sure this is--"_

"No," Tony moaned, beyond exasperated, drawing the word out until JARVIS had stopped speaking. "J, please, no. I'm already here. It won't hurt anyone if I just… take a little peek into the shop. Look, it has coffee! And there are no explosions going on! It's all very innocent and wholesome."

JARVIS sniffed. _"I can't_ look _, that's the issue. As I warned you when this was proposed as the meeting place, Sir."_

"Well, you'll have eyes in the coffee shop if I have to put on my armor," Tony said after a short moment of thought, shrugging. He was peering through the windows of the coffee shop, or as much as he could while he was still sitting in his car. It didn't look too busy, but the sightlines from outside weren't great, so he couldn't be sure.

_"That does not instill me with confidence that the situation is particularly safe, Sir."_

"I've invested too much time and effort to give up on this now," Tony tried then, maybe a bit too dramatic with the declaration if the almost-snort JARVIS gave afterwards was any indication. "Don't sass me like that, I've driven across the city to come here. I at least want to see my new nemesis."

_"You would not have had to drive yourself if you had informed Mr. Hogan of your undertaking."_

"Yeah," Tony snorted. "He'd have locked me out of all my cars and then called Pepper. Good try, J. I'm going in."

Without waiting for an answer, Tony started towards the coffee shop. It was only when he was already almost there that JARVIS piped up from where his phone was shoved in the pockets of his jeans.

_"Do be careful please, Sir. DUM-E and Butterfingers would be inconsolable if something were to happen to you."_

Tony smirked.

"Don't front, J. You'd get my villain back if something happens to me today."

_"Indeed, I would, Sir,"_ Jarvis sniffed. _"However, that does not mean you should throw yourself into these situations unduly, as you are doing at this very moment."_

"Oh, but that would just be boring," Tony quipped, right before he pushed through the door to finally enter the coffee shop and see who was going to be the Dr. Doom to his Mister Fantastic.

Only better, obviously.


	3. In which Tony meets his supervillain and the Soldier stares at a butt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Faustess, who cheer-read this for me, and BoovPerson, who once again did the beta-reading. You're both absolute superstars. <3
> 
> CW: touches (very briefly and very lightly!) on some heavier topics (Bucky's time with Hydra, the possibility of a homophobic mindset because of that)

The Soldier pulled the baseball cap down until he was sure it would hide his face, doing his best to merge with the background in the dimly lit corner of the coffee shop. It was close enough to a door he would be able to escape through that he didn't mind arriving first so much, especially since it gave him the chance to choose the table.

His current spot also gave him a perfect vantage point to see everyone who entered, while making it virtually impossible for anyone to spot him from outside. The hat and his slightly bedraggled general appearance managed to serve as a shield, warding off anyone who might otherwise have tried to engage him in conversation.

He'd arrived early enough that he'd been able to slip around the back of the building before coming in, making sure that the back door, and thus his exit strategy, wasn't blocked or watched. While there hadn't been anything in the last few days that would indicate that anyone had taken more than a cursory interest in the immediate surroundings of the coffee shop, he hadn't survived this long by being careless. Only once he'd been satisfied with his findings - or lack thereof - he'd entered the building and bought the perfunctory coffee just so he wouldn't draw negative attention without one.

So now he was waiting. Every time the bell over the door rung, his eyes immediately flicked over, assessing whoever had just come in. He didn't know who he was expecting, though he'd been told that he'd know who he was waiting for when he saw them, which was just a ridiculous assumption for anyone to make, and thus fit the image he had of the person perfectly.

If an inflated sense of self were visible from the outside, he had no doubt he'd manage to recognize who he was here to meet. As it was, he was incredibly doubtful.

The doorbell sounded, and he automatically assessed the new arrival, dismissing him almost as soon as he spotted him. While the fact that he hadn't immediately taken off the sunglasses after coming inside made the Soldier a bit anxious because he couldn't see the guy's eyes and where he was looking, that probably either meant he was an asshole or that he had prescription glasses that he wouldn't be able to see without.

While the guy did seem to be looking for someone if the sweeping glance through the entire coffee shop was any indication, there was nothing anxious in his movements. Nothing like what the Soldier would expect from someone who was meeting a "prospective supervillain". Even if he wasn't wearing anything so noticeable as a suit, possibly even had made an effort to dress down, there was something about the way he was holding himself that spoke of affluence.

Possibly the way those jeans hugged his ass too, he thought absently, eyes lingering during what was supposed to be a cursory once-over. As soon as he noticed what he was doing, he averted his eyes to his coffee cup instead.

Later, he would say that it was this momentary distraction that made him jump when the burner phone he'd bought just for this occasion chirped, letting him know he had a new email.

 

* * *

 

Tony heard the chirp of a phone only a second or two after he'd sent his message, immediately honing in on where it had come from. The coffee shop was only sparsely populated, what with it being smack in the middle between the early morning rush and when most people had lunch hour.

He immediately ruled out the two college students who were hunched over books together, looking like they were either about to cry or throw something, which left him with the shady-looking guy in the somehow-dim back corner.

Tony sighed, only just managing not to roll his eyes. Well, it seemed like _someone_ had embraced all the cliches.

He reminded himself that this specific someone had also managed to figure out how to get around security cameras to a truly impressive degree, and made it impossible for JARVIS to track him down through his IP address so far. While that didn't mean that they were dealing with a criminal mastermind, it did point to someone with at least a passing interest in staying anonymous, which was interesting in itself.

He wasn't about to waste his limited time on one of those people who'd thought this was some sort of sex game. Tony hoped.

Squaring his shoulders -- just the teensiest bit, he wasn't showing weakness, he was no newbie at this, even if he was more used to having to impress donors or his board members instead of potential supervillains -- Tony made his way over to the table. And honestly, how had the guy -- and he was a guy, of that much Tony was almost certain, those shoulders were broad enough he was reasonably sure he wouldn't be able to wrap his arms around them -- even managed to find a dimly lit corner in a coffee shop that seemed to be geared towards college students who came in here to study?

Tony dropped into a chair before the guy -- and yep, the shoulders hadn't lied, and that was definitely some impressive scruff on a chiseled chin -- could even look up from where he'd been typing something on a phone so outdated, Tony was offended it was even still in existence. Probably an answer to Tony's own message, since it was right that second that the vibration of his own phone -- otherwise set to mute, he was aware of unspoken coffee shop norms -- notified him of one.

"Let me guess," Tony immediately started because the only things he could see of the guy were that impressively stubbled chin and the inexplicable shadow that was cast by the baseball hat he was wearing. If he was going to spend the next minutes talking to someone who was obviously breaking the laws of physics as they applied to light, he was going to take pleasure in throwing the guy for a few seconds, at least. "You're my prospective supervillain, then?"

The way the guy's head flew up you'd have thought Tony had just threatened him with a repulsor to his face. It was honestly a bit offensive.

They were just here to _talk_ , it wasn't like--

Oh.

"You're Barnes."

Big eyes stared back at him as Tony ripped the sunglasses off his face. The corner was still dimly lit, but a lot less so now that the glasses weren't doing their part to make it even more so. Turns out, he could probably have recognized who he was talking to earlier if he'd done that as soon as he'd come in.

The more you know.

 

* * *

 

"Stark."

The word came out sounding almost mechanical. The Soldier had been prepared for a lot -- though to be honest, meeting Iron Man had not been one of the possibilities he'd taken into consideration.

He didn't try to run. Nothing Hydra had written in their assessments of Tony Stark had ever implied that running from him would help. They also hadn't mentioned that he had no fucking bit of self-preservation instinct, though.

Honestly, that seemed like the more pertinent information, more so than the fact that Iron Man's enemies tended to end up very dead. That part shouldn't surprise anyone by this point, anyway.

Which actually brought up the point…

"Have you lost your mind?"

It probably should have sounded outraged. To be honest, the Soldier _felt_ a little outraged. However, it mostly came out sounding curious, maybe a little disbelieving.

Disconnect between how he felt and how he spoke, he noted idly. That was still happening sometimes, apparently.

Stark blinked at him, apparently unsure of what he was expected to answer. When he finally spoke, he drew out the word, sounding more questioning than anything else.

"...no?"

Without thinking about it, the Soldier pulled himself up, glaring. He ignored the way Stark immediately tensed in his seat, preparing to be attacked. The Soldier didn't doubt that if Stark so wanted, he'd be blown to teeny tiny smithereens in a second, but he also didn't doubt that it wouldn't actually happen unless he made a move to attack. Which he was obviously not about to do, because even if he was still on the run from Hydra and lived in constant fear of being caught, he preferred this to death. See the previous point about Stark's enemies continuously ending up dead.

"Then why did you think it would be a good idea to basically _invite_ someone to _attack_ you?"

"That's not… what I did?" Stark actually relaxed, but he also seemed confused more than anything else at the turn this meeting was taking. It brought to mind the question what he'd actually expected this to be like, but more importantly, the answer showed the Soldier that Stark had even less common sense than he'd expect from a genius anyway.

"Well see, that surprises me, seeing as you asked for a personal supervillain online. What else were you expecting?"

"Certainly not whatever is happening here," Stark muttered, leaning back in his seat and… _sulking_.

The Soldier ignored that and continued to glare.

"And since we're talking about this," he went on, ignoring when Stark muttered something that sounded like an objection to himself, "How did nobody have the good sense to stop you?"

Stark -- there was no other word for it -- _puffed up_ in indignation. "Excuse you, J and Rhodey did their absolute _best_ to try and stop me!"

The Soldier gave that a few seconds to sink in, if only to make sure Stark became aware of just what he'd protested.

It didn't seem to be happening. Stark continued to look at him obstinately.

"So you decided to come anyway?"

 

* * *

 

"I haven't come _yet_."

Later, Tony would maintain that he had no control over his mouth when he said that. It must have been a combination of the magnificent shoulders and the annoyingly chiseled jawline and the fact that he'd been caught off-guard by the whole situation, he would later explain. Some people would even pretend to believe it.

Rhodey would laugh.

At that moment, however, the only reaction -- or non-reaction, really -- he got was a slow blink and a blank expression.

Then, nonsensically, "Flirting with someone you want to be your enemy seems counterproductive."

Tony waggled his eyebrows while a little voice in his head that sounded like Rhodey screamed at him not to be even more of an idiot. Since he was used to not listening to it, ignoring the protests was a non-issue.

"But is it working?"

More blank stares. More slow blinking.

Tony was considering the possibility that he might have broken the man when Barnes suddenly got up and took two steps, bringing him face to face with Tony without a table between them, even if it meant Tony had to tilt his head back to look up at him. It spoke for (or against, really) either the dimness of their corner or the absolute disregard of New Yorkers that nobody even looked in their direction at the abrupt movement.

Tensing, Tony prepared to call the Iron Man suit if Barnes even made so much as a move to attack him. Truth be told, he probably shouldn't have let him as close as he was now in the first place, but he hadn't seemed particularly threatening so far. Of course, he was from the forties originally and had spent decades under HYDRA's thumb, so maybe some causal flirting between guys was what had pushed him over the edge.

Instead of attacking him, however, or even so much as touching him, Barnes just -- held out his hand.

Tony stared at it. Was he supposed to… shake it?

Impatient, Barnes made 'gimme' motions.

"C'mon, give me your phone."

"Are you trying to steal it? If so, this is a really bad attempt, just saying," Tony said, befuddled, even as he started to pull out his phone from where he'd put it after sending his message to -- Barnes, as it turned out.

Barnes wasn't impressed, rolling his eyes with a sigh so full of resignation it could only have come from someone who'd grown up with a tiny spitfire Steve Rogers.

"I'm gonna give you a phone number and you're gonna call me if you feel like you need to fight a villain. Or if you want to _fight a villain_."

And that, Tony thought, smirk growing on his face, was a beautifully done double entendre.

He handed over his phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand that's that. I wrote this to prove to myself that yes, I still can finish multi-chapter fics. Maybe I'm actually going to start writing something other than oneshots now.


End file.
